Rejoice in what I carry in my heart

Credit cards have always triggered a low grade terror reaction— needless to say, I’m one of the very few people in my family who haven’t gotten themselves overwhelmed with debt, and the first credit card I ever opened I never used. But I realized in 2009 credit cards can be useful if you know how to work them, and I opened a rewards card through my bank, paying off the balance twice a month. It was nice to be paid $5-20 bucks a month just for using the card, and I always put that money right back to paying the next month’s balance. Basically, Kol was uber!responsible.( long way of saying that even though I made considerably less in 2012 I still kicked considerable credit butt & should be debt free a lot sooner than I probably should be )

Have not had the best start of a week, to put it mildly. Will do better. Have to do better. Am in the process of doing better. There, fixed that for myself. 

I started the week off with some lofty goals; I'm scaling things back, because this week is not a nice one and I need to respect that while still pushing forward. But this week is not a failure already and I'm not making excuses for not getting anything accomplished. I don't think I should, because I tried. I don't think it is healthy to live in a world that rejects the notion of trying, that dismisses the lack of constant productivity as an all out flailure, that rewards only the conclusion of things. Progress isn't always an aboslute you can cross off a list, but something that you have to work at, step by excruciating step.

And I took steps today, yesterday. I tried. Tomorrow I'll try harder. And little by little, progress will be made, and my goals will be accomplished. Life is not suppose to always be instant gratification; depression will not go away just because you thought to yourself one morning, hey, I'd fucking like to be something other than depressed for a change. This isn't solved by flipping a switch. In my case, I have to work at it; notice the triggers, stop the behaviors that are amplifying the depression, actively engage my brain, pull myself to baselevel once more. One hell of a climb from where I am, but I'm no where near the bottom and I've done this before, from a lot farther down than I am now. I can do this.

And I'm going to stop getting so worked up about words. They'll come, and if they won't I'll work on something else. I don't need to spend my lfe crying over a damn thread just because I can't bring myself to get the words out. Today's CBT exercise opened my eyes to all the wonderful things I DO love to do, and how few I've been doing. There's a world out there beyond words, and maybe by embracing it, the words might start to trinkle back. 

I am not the girl on the volcano. I am trying and I am succeeding, inch by inch, day by day. 

( broken verse )

Independence Day is one of those weird holidays that I have a lot of emotional investment in even though the holiday itself probably doesn't warrent it. I adore fireworks, bbqs, and hanging out with friends, so in retrospect it makes a bit of sense. Last year was a marvelous fourth, and it was like introducing Sage to California with booze and explosions and spinach dip and more booze. It was a surfacing from the depression, a little gulp of delight before I went under again. I remember that day a lot, and it always brings a smile on my face (especially when I think back to the catchphrase that night spawned by a drunken friend-of-a-friend).

This year was a different fourth of July, but it much like last year's was precisely what I needed. A more low key day, the heart of which was actually busting out the housemate's grill and BBQing up some damn fine food. We watched goofy movies (Sherlock Holmes and Independence Day, because there is nothing more American than Will Smith punching aliens in the face, right?) and mastered roasting marshmallows for smores in the toaster oven. FOR SCIENCE!! And while I did not get to see fireworks, the feelings explosions from Independence Day were more than enough to booster my spirit. And I only had one marzen the entire evenly, unlike last year's boozefest. 

Although I did not get to spend it with all my favorite people, it definitely was a better day for a better Kol.  Today was a bit of a wash, but it was definitely enriched by the day before. Hurrah for a good first step on Project: Kol :D

Now for a side adventure: I've been reading this novel by Loretta Chase and I'm kind of having feelings explosions about everything this book decides to be? :D