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kolHave not had the best start of a week, to put it mildly. Will do better. Have to do better. Am in the process of doing better. There, fixed that for myself.
I started the week off with some lofty goals; I'm scaling things back, because this week is not a nice one and I need to respect that while still pushing forward. But this week is not a failure already and I'm not making excuses for not getting anything accomplished. I don't think I should, because I tried. I don't think it is healthy to live in a world that rejects the notion of trying, that dismisses the lack of constant productivity as an all out flailure, that rewards only the conclusion of things. Progress isn't always an aboslute you can cross off a list, but something that you have to work at, step by excruciating step.
And I took steps today, yesterday. I tried. Tomorrow I'll try harder. And little by little, progress will be made, and my goals will be accomplished. Life is not suppose to always be instant gratification; depression will not go away just because you thought to yourself one morning, hey, I'd fucking like to be something other than depressed for a change. This isn't solved by flipping a switch. In my case, I have to work at it; notice the triggers, stop the behaviors that are amplifying the depression, actively engage my brain, pull myself to baselevel once more. One hell of a climb from where I am, but I'm no where near the bottom and I've done this before, from a lot farther down than I am now. I can do this.
And I'm going to stop getting so worked up about words. They'll come, and if they won't I'll work on something else. I don't need to spend my lfe crying over a damn thread just because I can't bring myself to get the words out. Today's CBT exercise opened my eyes to all the wonderful things I DO love to do, and how few I've been doing. There's a world out there beyond words, and maybe by embracing it, the words might start to trinkle back.
I am not the girl on the volcano. I am trying and I am succeeding, inch by inch, day by day.
Tossed up the poem in question since I wrote it during a CBT exercise to combat the feelings that I've screwed up my future. Am I dying? No. Have I given up, stop trying? HELL NO. Well I haven't fucking screwed up my future then. Shut up depression, I'm not listening to you anymore. I'm not even thirty yet, stop telling me I suck when I know I'm awesome and AM DOING THINGS TO MAKE MY LIFE BETTER.
The poem isn't good, and is more an expression of what I felt my inner "Hyde" is. But hell, I wrote something, that proves the words aren't all gone, so shut your dirty lying mouth depression. They are words, and one day they will be better words. Inch by inch, line by line, I'm winning this fight.
Hyde (the girl on the volcano)
She resides quietly
Above the smog choked city
On the volcano of lost futures.
Armed only with a thin white umbrella,
A sack of mispent fortunes,
and a cooler of unlimited dreams--
She sits, patiently, waiting for that final send off
Waiting for the bright future she's due.
I started the week off with some lofty goals; I'm scaling things back, because this week is not a nice one and I need to respect that while still pushing forward. But this week is not a failure already and I'm not making excuses for not getting anything accomplished. I don't think I should, because I tried. I don't think it is healthy to live in a world that rejects the notion of trying, that dismisses the lack of constant productivity as an all out flailure, that rewards only the conclusion of things. Progress isn't always an aboslute you can cross off a list, but something that you have to work at, step by excruciating step.
And I took steps today, yesterday. I tried. Tomorrow I'll try harder. And little by little, progress will be made, and my goals will be accomplished. Life is not suppose to always be instant gratification; depression will not go away just because you thought to yourself one morning, hey, I'd fucking like to be something other than depressed for a change. This isn't solved by flipping a switch. In my case, I have to work at it; notice the triggers, stop the behaviors that are amplifying the depression, actively engage my brain, pull myself to baselevel once more. One hell of a climb from where I am, but I'm no where near the bottom and I've done this before, from a lot farther down than I am now. I can do this.
And I'm going to stop getting so worked up about words. They'll come, and if they won't I'll work on something else. I don't need to spend my lfe crying over a damn thread just because I can't bring myself to get the words out. Today's CBT exercise opened my eyes to all the wonderful things I DO love to do, and how few I've been doing. There's a world out there beyond words, and maybe by embracing it, the words might start to trinkle back.
I am not the girl on the volcano. I am trying and I am succeeding, inch by inch, day by day.
Tossed up the poem in question since I wrote it during a CBT exercise to combat the feelings that I've screwed up my future. Am I dying? No. Have I given up, stop trying? HELL NO. Well I haven't fucking screwed up my future then. Shut up depression, I'm not listening to you anymore. I'm not even thirty yet, stop telling me I suck when I know I'm awesome and AM DOING THINGS TO MAKE MY LIFE BETTER.
The poem isn't good, and is more an expression of what I felt my inner "Hyde" is. But hell, I wrote something, that proves the words aren't all gone, so shut your dirty lying mouth depression. They are words, and one day they will be better words. Inch by inch, line by line, I'm winning this fight.
Hyde (the girl on the volcano)
She resides quietly
Above the smog choked city
On the volcano of lost futures.
Armed only with a thin white umbrella,
A sack of mispent fortunes,
and a cooler of unlimited dreams--
She sits, patiently, waiting for that final send off
Waiting for the bright future she's due.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-12 12:27 pm (UTC)Besides, if you were a loser, then how could you be such a huge source of inspiration for the rest of us? You couldn't! So there! Proof is in the pudding!!! Mmmm, pudding.....
:D
(You do suck for getting me reading these romances, though. BUT then that means I will have to go to the library to get more... so I may be forced to rethink that conclusion. :P)
no subject
Date: 2011-07-12 02:28 pm (UTC)You keep doing what you need to and never forget that you aren't alone, okay? <3 you.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-12 05:02 pm (UTC)You inspire me to try harder Kilbutt. <3
no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 04:36 pm (UTC)