I don't think anyone realizes how much they are helping me get through this stupid brain time

[kol]

There was double Loni post tonight, woo! It feels like a hollow victory against the writer brain failure, but I got it done, and that's all that matters!

I went back to my most productive writing time, and realized that there was a connection I hadn't made before. Mid 2007 to mid 2008 I had by far my most productive stretch of writing. Kingdom opened, we rped like madwomen. Avatar: The Last Airbender was on, I drabbled like whoa, including writing a ridiculous epic fic only 10% made it online. I read fic voraciously, getting myself emotionally invested in the kick ass ladies of a few fandoms and rewriting canon in my head to fix all the screw ups the writers kept doing (this was especially true with Smallville and poor Chloe). I worked MORE HOURS than I do now, and while there was craziness, it was manageable crazy. I was doing awesome on the weight front, being healthy and emotionally happy. There were at least a hundred big chats and a lot of awesome ideas exchanged, as well as a ton of fantastic new music that just drove writer brain mad with possibilities. But more than anything, I was drawing. I drew like a maniac, fanart for Avatar to rpg stuff to stuff for Catching Magic. I DID STUFF. And a lot of it was really good!

And I'm wondering if my brain is trying to tell me to draw more, because I've been noticing on nights I do sketch, writing isn't as difficult. Because I've been conceptualizing posts much differently lately, getting this comic, flat image concept of the scene and then struggling to figure out the words to describe what is so strongly visual in my head.  This has never happened before, and I HATE it. Everything is awkward and hard and frustrating, and I don't feel like I'm being creative, just bashing my head against the keyboard until things are done. 

I don't know how to fix this long term without having to go run to people to explain my brain to me every five minutes. And half the time I just feel completely unneccessary, because people are coming up with awesome things and I'm in this corner fumbling around blindly, and damned if it isn't just easier to read what other people are doing instead of trying to get my brain to work right. Because I am so tired of the stupid anxiety that filters into everything and just want to be able to create shit again without that awful voice wondering why I'm even bothering. 

And then I realize how stupid emo!Kol is and just shake my head, realizing that dude, I still do creative things! I matter! I do awesome things! I did two Loni posts today that didn't suck!

But on nights like this, it just feels like I'm shouting into the dark for someone to turn the light on when I should grit my teeth and reach around in that uncertain darkness and find the damned light switch myself. 

Comments

[twistdfateangel]

It's really hard to get out of the emo slump once there. I've been trying for 13 years and it's only easier because I'm taking the extra steps to stay off Prozac (vitamins, getting more sunshine and nutrition, talking to a therapist, etc.). But, "easier" doesn't mean "cured". The other night, Cleo hiccuped and I lost two weeks worth of writing on a TV script that moved my co-creator to watery eyes. I was in a funk for days and even now, I doubt what I have is as good as what I originally wrote.

But, I want you to know that, no matter what --for what it's worth-- I count you as a friend and, in many ways, a mentor. A bad writer can't get that from me, I promise.

[kol]

;___; I'm walking to work trying so hard not to cry because I am so freakin touched right now. Thank youso much for this, I just, oh my, thank you ;___; I so needed that right now, thank you!! !