I think you're being far too hard on yourself. The emotion and the glimpses of so much are here that it reads nice and raw. There's very little flowery sentiment which is exactly how it should be.
I actually didn't feel it came on too fast myself but that might be me reading your story and putting in the necessary time on the carpet before she realizes it's been 5 years.
And I like the last lines. I think they sum it up and hint at more. Mara is not really Miss Self Reflection and getting this much is a big step for her. It shows progress, hope... All sorts of things, including future pain.
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Date: 2009-11-16 02:02 am (UTC)I actually didn't feel it came on too fast myself but that might be me reading your story and putting in the necessary time on the carpet before she realizes it's been 5 years.
And I like the last lines. I think they sum it up and hint at more. Mara is not really Miss Self Reflection and getting this much is a big step for her. It shows progress, hope... All sorts of things, including future pain.