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Jun. 1st, 2012 07:01 pmI am glad it is June: June is a good month for bucking in and getting things put in order, a natural restart to a year that has gotten off on the wrong foot. And this is a year that has gotten away from me, the edges creeping up as i've lost the inclination to iron them back down. But as with all things, there is still time to mend & regather for a new run, and I refuse to look upon the past six months negatively, but instead as only room for improvement and an experience I needed to survive to get to where I am now.
And on that note, Fanime was precisely what I needed it to be. Going in I had a feeling it was going to be a trial, simply due to my inability to come to terms with MK's cancer, how helpless I felt, how my heart became a perfect storm of fear, anger, and grief circling my once boundless hope that itself became a black and withering crust. I had a feeling Fanime would prove a release for me, I just had no clue what a powerful one it would prove to be.
Fanime has proved a lesson that, although things may begin with an awful start, the important thing is to roll with the punches and find joy with what remains. Disastercon & the Gordon Biersch fail were merely two isolated incidents I let fester into much more than they truly were, bolstered by guilt and shame over my inability to pull the Bolin costume together on my own & the desperation that I was ruining con for everyone merely by existing. And then, after a spectacular crying fit in the bathroom, all of it fell away, the insane tension I put myself through released. It was the first real release I'd had regarding MK's situation & my inability to deal with it, and honestly I should have just sat down and had that crying fit a lot sooner.
And after that release, I had a great con, enjoying the company of friends & new acquaintances, terrified at the legion of Homestuck cosplayers w/ Pixie, laughing in the video room w/ Sage, handing out cupcakes in my nearly finished Bolin costume, spreading a lot of smiles and a few hugs among staff & starving cosplayers alike, actually getting to hang briefly with Fyre. I can't say that my once boundless hope has bloomed once again, but something inside did open up, stretching tentative fingers out to the world once again, and damned if it didn't feel great.
MK is back on chemo tomorrow (instead of the 2 week gap she was promised), but for the first time since her diagnosis went from stage one to stage four in mere weeks, I have hope again. Because although individual things may not be alright, damn it, I'm going to be.
And on that note, Fanime was precisely what I needed it to be. Going in I had a feeling it was going to be a trial, simply due to my inability to come to terms with MK's cancer, how helpless I felt, how my heart became a perfect storm of fear, anger, and grief circling my once boundless hope that itself became a black and withering crust. I had a feeling Fanime would prove a release for me, I just had no clue what a powerful one it would prove to be.
Fanime has proved a lesson that, although things may begin with an awful start, the important thing is to roll with the punches and find joy with what remains. Disastercon & the Gordon Biersch fail were merely two isolated incidents I let fester into much more than they truly were, bolstered by guilt and shame over my inability to pull the Bolin costume together on my own & the desperation that I was ruining con for everyone merely by existing. And then, after a spectacular crying fit in the bathroom, all of it fell away, the insane tension I put myself through released. It was the first real release I'd had regarding MK's situation & my inability to deal with it, and honestly I should have just sat down and had that crying fit a lot sooner.
And after that release, I had a great con, enjoying the company of friends & new acquaintances, terrified at the legion of Homestuck cosplayers w/ Pixie, laughing in the video room w/ Sage, handing out cupcakes in my nearly finished Bolin costume, spreading a lot of smiles and a few hugs among staff & starving cosplayers alike, actually getting to hang briefly with Fyre. I can't say that my once boundless hope has bloomed once again, but something inside did open up, stretching tentative fingers out to the world once again, and damned if it didn't feel great.
MK is back on chemo tomorrow (instead of the 2 week gap she was promised), but for the first time since her diagnosis went from stage one to stage four in mere weeks, I have hope again. Because although individual things may not be alright, damn it, I'm going to be.
