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Jul. 9th, 2010 04:07 pmThe stress has not alleviated as I had hoped. It has been steadily increasing, spiraling further and further out of control. It is hard to feel you have any sort of agency in your life when it seems as if the world is battering you over and over again with crazier and crazier things, leaving you no room to breathe or rest or just adapt to that level of stress. I have felt unstable and powerless since October, but the truth is I do have power of my life, and I do have the tools to turn this crazy train around to happyville. I just haven't grabbed that empowerment because I'm afraid.
Because in order to beat this stress, things are going to have to change. Get messy. Get even more destabilized. Call for me to walk with careful treading, and do a hell of a lot of hard work. And that's scary, especially to someone who loathes change. But change isn't all bad, and sometimes you do have to go through these rough patches to grow. I just like my growing with less toxicity, thank you very much XD
I am confident the next few months will be better, but I know deep inside this will only happen if I take the reins and slow things down, make people play by my terms, and get out of all the poisonous situations and places I have holed myself into. Sad attempts to grab any security I can, when in fact nothing has been security at all, and the false illusion has caused me even more suffering.
Because things don't magically get better. This is the real world, and life has taught me there is no such thing as a good day, only days where you do good, when you go with the flow and deal with the craziness instead of breaking under it, when you smile and enjoy life and feel that agency and know that just because something bad happens it isn't a reflection of you. Bad things happen all the time. All that matters is how we deal with those things, and how we grow from them. To live instead of survive.
It is high time that I did some growing instead of burrowing deeper into this mess.
Because in order to beat this stress, things are going to have to change. Get messy. Get even more destabilized. Call for me to walk with careful treading, and do a hell of a lot of hard work. And that's scary, especially to someone who loathes change. But change isn't all bad, and sometimes you do have to go through these rough patches to grow. I just like my growing with less toxicity, thank you very much XD
I am confident the next few months will be better, but I know deep inside this will only happen if I take the reins and slow things down, make people play by my terms, and get out of all the poisonous situations and places I have holed myself into. Sad attempts to grab any security I can, when in fact nothing has been security at all, and the false illusion has caused me even more suffering.
Because things don't magically get better. This is the real world, and life has taught me there is no such thing as a good day, only days where you do good, when you go with the flow and deal with the craziness instead of breaking under it, when you smile and enjoy life and feel that agency and know that just because something bad happens it isn't a reflection of you. Bad things happen all the time. All that matters is how we deal with those things, and how we grow from them. To live instead of survive.
It is high time that I did some growing instead of burrowing deeper into this mess.
