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long and rambly but my heart pains and this spilling of words is all that soothes
I woke up at six thirty this morning, unsettled by an encounter the night before, unsettled by my leaving, unsettled by a lot of things. I slipped into my robe and took my place at the kitchen, staring into that vast, glittering ocean like it was the end of the world, and this was the last thing I was allowing myself to see. I stood there for an hour, becoming that calm stretch of turquoise, each ebb an incredible longing, each flo a pang of heartsickness. After an hour, I sat, blinking away the tears prickling my eyes and not quite understanding why I just didn't let those emotions spill out, to face that ache inside and actually do something about it.
I was missing Carmel before I even left.
The birthday vacation was sorely needed, and the first two days were glorious and perfect, complete with losing myself in the Monterey Bay Aquarium's caverns of delights and wonders. But Thursday saw a change in things, a hardening of my soul, against the family dramas and realization that in just one day, just one little day, I'd be back to face the open, weeping wound that is this place, that is this broken family, that is my home. There was no relaxing, just a tension creeping up my back and settling around my chest. It was telling when I got a massage, and walked out feeling worse and more achy than I went in. I was becoming stone, armoring my heart against what I would find today.
But when I got home and saw the roses and K's car still gone, I felt a peace about the situation that I can't explain. One puff of softness, entombed in the gritty rock I've wrapped myself in. Hidden myself in. There is a sickness in this house, but as I walked inside and saw the things she had taken, that small puff began to grow, pushing the stone, making room for more acceptance yet to come. I have lost a good friend, I have lost a family, I have lost a sanctuary. But I have found an inner strength, my heart found itself a fortress, and I survived, and I cannot tell you how vital that is to me. The anxiety is still there (Sage, unfortunately, did catch some of it during her visit, with me fretting about things that really weren't frettable), but it isn't as all consuming. I can breathe, the weight is no longer pressing against my heart, and the sky has revealed itself to be the same vivid blue it was before this mess.
Life endures, joys and sufferings ebb and flo, and the sickness will consume you or fall into the shadows, forgotten. One day I will wake up and the first thing I think will not be what horror the day has in store, but what adventure I shall search out for myself, what great fun I shall have, what dazzling sun will shine on me again. What great friends I shall cling to, to allow that fluff inside to grow yet again.
But that day is not today, and my burden is a week of overnights, intermixed with those joyful 8 hour breaks before yet another shift. But I will think of that ocean and know that life is not one stretch of aching pain and suffering, but an ebb and flo, because one day soon there shall be joy again, and such a smile I will have!
I was missing Carmel before I even left.
The birthday vacation was sorely needed, and the first two days were glorious and perfect, complete with losing myself in the Monterey Bay Aquarium's caverns of delights and wonders. But Thursday saw a change in things, a hardening of my soul, against the family dramas and realization that in just one day, just one little day, I'd be back to face the open, weeping wound that is this place, that is this broken family, that is my home. There was no relaxing, just a tension creeping up my back and settling around my chest. It was telling when I got a massage, and walked out feeling worse and more achy than I went in. I was becoming stone, armoring my heart against what I would find today.
But when I got home and saw the roses and K's car still gone, I felt a peace about the situation that I can't explain. One puff of softness, entombed in the gritty rock I've wrapped myself in. Hidden myself in. There is a sickness in this house, but as I walked inside and saw the things she had taken, that small puff began to grow, pushing the stone, making room for more acceptance yet to come. I have lost a good friend, I have lost a family, I have lost a sanctuary. But I have found an inner strength, my heart found itself a fortress, and I survived, and I cannot tell you how vital that is to me. The anxiety is still there (Sage, unfortunately, did catch some of it during her visit, with me fretting about things that really weren't frettable), but it isn't as all consuming. I can breathe, the weight is no longer pressing against my heart, and the sky has revealed itself to be the same vivid blue it was before this mess.
Life endures, joys and sufferings ebb and flo, and the sickness will consume you or fall into the shadows, forgotten. One day I will wake up and the first thing I think will not be what horror the day has in store, but what adventure I shall search out for myself, what great fun I shall have, what dazzling sun will shine on me again. What great friends I shall cling to, to allow that fluff inside to grow yet again.
But that day is not today, and my burden is a week of overnights, intermixed with those joyful 8 hour breaks before yet another shift. But I will think of that ocean and know that life is not one stretch of aching pain and suffering, but an ebb and flo, because one day soon there shall be joy again, and such a smile I will have!
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Typed this out on the iPhone, sure there will be typos
Granted the stress has hit such a level that I'm six weeks between a cycle, so that could be ramping up the emotions, too.
I'm just glad it doesn't feel hopeless, just really, really hard. Which is tough to admit, but it made me feel loads better.
I just really miss the ocean. Everything seemed easier to handle at a distance, you know? Hard to keep focus on the positives when stress is batting you around in all directions XD. But admitting it makes it easier, I guess, because I feel loads better reading this entry, even though I had a horrible night at work today.